Journal #5

I hurt a friend today…

I have a very kind and generous friend who will bend over backwards for the people that she loves and respects. She is a kind Christian woman and even cared for me after my last hip surgery. We listen and comfort one another. We pray over one another. We laugh together and entertain one another. This year I have really needed her to be my advocate in a particular situation, and I truly believe she has been trying her hardest. It is a situation related to my prolonged recovery from surgery and lingering chronic pains. She is the only one I felt could correct this situation in a stepwise fashion. This week I became so frustrated with the situation not being resolved, that I finally lost it in front of her. I came down hard on her and everyone else involved. I believe that she may feel that I am putting all the blame on her, which I get because that is how I would have interpreted my outburst as well. She has the difficult situation of trying to make everyone happy in this circumstance, and it has seemed impossible. I feel that this outburst finally happened because I have been telling myself week after week “just hang in there, because one day you will be rewarded.” Well, the reward remains far into the future, and I cannot keep making the sacrifice. So, do I regret my outburst? Yes, I do. I communicated my needs in a way that hurt a friend. I did not pray on the matter and seek God’s guidance beforehand. As scripture states:

“The end of a matter is better than its beginning, and patience is better than pride. Do not be quickly provoked in your spirit, for anger resides in the lap of fools.” Ecclesiastes 7:8-9 NIV

Now I am having to ask God, “What do I do now?” I have lost control of my patience and have hurt a dear sister. She is a precious child of God. I have tried to be HUMBLE in the past, but have felt dissatisfied and now PRIDE has stepped in. How do I balance the two? I can see that it is not something I can do on my own without the Lord. 

“Do not be overrighteous, neither be overwise— why destroy yourself?” Ecclesiastes 7:16 NIV

How do I discern between what is righteous and what is pride? Ugh! I will continue to pray for God’s Will. I need to remember that He is in control and that he is molding me, as well as those around me. I have asked for the Lord’s forgiveness, but now I must ask for a friend’s forgiveness which seems even harder.

“When times are good, be happy; but when times are bad, consider this: God has made the one as well as the other. Therefore, no one can discover anything about their future.” Ecclesiastes 7:14 NIV

HUMILITY requires the active rejection of PRIDE. Humility, as I have come to realize may not come easy for me. I try to focus too much on what is fair. Well, sometimes life just isn’t fair, right? My current situation may not be fair, and I may have to get over it.  I pray for God to show me the areas of pride in my life. I pray to be more Christ like, as I was not anywhere near that today with my outburst. Jesus is the King of the Universe, yet he was humiliated and suffered on the cross. He washed his disciples feet at the last supper. Lord God, teach me to be humble. Teach me to be OK with humility. Help me to swallow my pride and not fester in the unfairness of today’s world. And most of all, show me the words to express to my dear sister in Christ. Amen.

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